Whether being bi-polar has caused other psychological damage I don’t know, I just know that there is some.  Recently I Have come to realise that I am scared of being out of doors.  I used to be very aware of paranoia and panic setting in when I had to walk from my old house into town.  If I am doing things that are routine and I have done them for quite some time now, it is barely noticeable.  Ask me to do something I have not done before that involves being outside and I am a quivering wreck.  Afraid, paranoid and on the edge of panic attack.  It started at first as a reaction to a hot sunny day, insulin would play up, prickly heat, hypo’s and just a wound up feeling. Almost like I wanted to have a knife in my hand and hit out.

I wrote this quite some time ago and will update soon.

I have been living my life for the past 18 months, almost two years safe in the knowledge that I am bi-polar.  I had heard of it, just never looked into it.  Everyone was convinced I was depressed.  Something didn’t sit right tho in my mind, so I looked and looked and looked more into depression, the more I looked the more it didn’t seem right.  I made a wrong click one day and up popped a list of symptoms and feelings to do with being manic-depressive in the old money.  Finally I had found an explanation to what I had been feeling for the past 20, 15 or how many years it has been since it started.  All I had to do now was convince people that this was it, only problem is I haven’t had any major manias in the last 10 years, psychiatrist gives a very generic diagnosis of “extreme mood swing disorder” and then passes me around various people trying not to deal with me.  Frustrating to say the least, my GP is quite understanding and smirked when I told him why I no longer wanted to attend her clinics.  Now I am in the stage of trying to understand myself more, being kinder to myself and not berating myself for feeling subnormal.  I would have said abnormal once upon a time but that makes it look as if there is no hope for me.  I have a mental health problem.  Its not quite the end of the world, although some days feel like it.  I just need to move forward one hour at a time.

As I get used to this I shall blog more and more.

Be warned, it could get boring.